******** Foreword ******** Yes, this is another well delayed smattering of fanfiction. This chapter has been in the making for well over two years, ever since I started writing this series. To those who have been reading (and perhaps waiting) for the conclusion, I humbly offer it to you now. Because of circumstances outside my control, this is going to be my final work. If you've been following the story, I ask that you read the author's notes at the end. Come for the fic. Stay for the credits. Disclaimer: Everything associated with Sailor Moon is in no way, shape, or form owned by me. I don't intend to make any money off of this; that's up to the larger than life corporations out there. All that jazz about Sailor Moon in tons of disclaimers out there apply. email: doniswong@hotmail.com Rating: R (cussing, violence) "Clean" Chapter 8 Finale A fanfic by Don Worlds spiraled by me. Colors, forms, thoughts and blood glowed in an odd perforation unnatural to the human eye. Chills both physical and figurative shot through my marrow like an unwanted transfusion of cancerous sanguine. I felt my body rip itself apart, a disturbingly familiar sense of pain and disjointment overtaking my battered spirit. When I couldn't stand it anymore, when my eyes rolled into the back of my shattered head, when I collapsed to the unseen ground, my body slammed back into reality with a force not unlike a runaway train greeting a wall of cement. Time travel - what a bitch. I took a few moments to catch my breath. Beads of sweat flooded down my brow, its source somewhere from my matted hair. Focus was a foreign concept: despite my dead stare into one single place, nausea simmered in my gut waiting to boil over. Never did I so want to kill Setsuna. A gentle hand caressed my back in that motherly way, comforting me like a nourished baby. And like the baby, I couldn't resist the desire to burp, but what came out was definitely not a cute expulsion of gas. "Easy, Minako," cooed Setsuna, "Don't try to overexert yourself." Rivers of flame coursed through my veins; the wave of sickness washed away like a blood stain. Maybe it was the scar of bad memories, maybe it was the years of sly manipulation, maybe it was because she stood for something I no longer believed in, but reason skitter away from my flimsy grasp. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" At least, that's what I intended to shout. Instead, a strangled gurgle escaped my bile-filled throat; it was followed by a dismissive sprint in a random direction, namely, "away from the voice." Unbeknownst to me, we were on a tall building and I was hurling myself over the ledge. The same motherly hand stiffened into an iron, vice-like grip, fully reminding me who I was with. When my world remerged into one, I found myself peering into slightly worried but otherwise unreadable magenta eyes. Her figure loomed above like me the sun and the moon, her figure becoming my world. Somehow, the sensation wasn't all so unfamiliar. She helped me up, her face assuming the infamous "You have questions and I have answers" expression. Where are we? When are we? Can I go away now? Can't you just go away? Why am I here? Why are you here? What do plan on doing to me? Did you tell the others? Are you going to drag me back to Crystal Tokyo? "Why does time travel make me feel like... like... this?" She shook her head and smiled. "You get used it after a while." We stayed like that for agonizing minutes. I refused to cave, refused to give in to those nagging sensations known as curiosity and anxiety. I had bent and swayed to the whims and wills of others for all my life, but now, I had finally stood up for myself. It might have been a stupid and agonizing stand, but I wouldn't - couldn't - go back to playing their games... any of their games. Besides, a slave could become a freeman, but a freeman could never become a slave. She reminded me of my gilded cage. She held me back from myself. "Don't you want to know why you're here?" she asked, hints of surprise in her voice. I snorted and threw my hair back. "If you know my questions, then why should I even need to ask?" "Because I don't know everything." "How can you not know everything?" I stalked up to her aiming my most authoritative gaze in her direction. "You've always had that omniscient expression on your face. You've always shown at the most opportune of times to pull us out of trouble. You've always said you're privileged to information even we aren't suppose to see. For God's sake woman, YOU are the Guardian of Time!" "Guardian," she emphasized, "Not master." Not master. Hmph. Sometimes, I wondered, "How far from the truth is that?" Apparently, she caught my grumblings and prepared for another one of her patented patient-but-getting-annoyed replies. I cut her off at the pass. "Fine. I'll fall back into our parlay routine, if only to entertain your superior ego. This is a war I simply can't hope to win." "And what is that suppose to mean?" What did I mean? What infinitely compulsive grain of my mind screamed out that line? Wasn't I tired of fighting? Didn't I wish for peace? Wasn't I striving for something else - something bloodless - in my life? Why did everything I touch come down to a struggle? "It means I don't want to fight you anymore," I sighed, "I'm here for a reason, a reason only you know. Tell me at your leisure." I turned around and glanced at my surroundings. Clouds rolled overhead like legions of cotton candy at a carnival. Light peeked through the throngs, rays falling gently on the quiet ground. The air smelled nice, perhaps even alive; aromas wafting from places around - restaurants, stores, street vendors - drove a quaint, homely sensation into my heart. Voices of bubbly teenagers and stoic adults filtered into the winds, buffeted along by the softest of caresses, scattered to the corners of the world. It reeked of innocence. It overflowed with peace. It rumbled with happy days on end. Good old Juubangai. Across the street, a myriad of girls dominated the sidewalk. A few were shouting, a few were sighing, but all of them were smiling. One of the girls tripped and fell face first, nose-diving onto the hard pavement. Before she could even touch the ground, four pairs of hands snagged her, supported her, helped her. The aforementioned girl blushed and mumbled a few choice words, presumably a show of gratitude. They quickly piled into the Crown arcade before anyone else saw them. I rolled my eyes and craned my neck back toward Setsuna. "What do you want me to think? That I'm wrong? That my so-called 'irrational' actions have somehow lead to the end of such carefree frolicking in our future generations? I'm sorry, Setsuna, but you're a bit late and a dollar short: I know the grief I've caused and frankly, I can't afford to give a damn." She breathed deeply, her icy composure a solid layer of armor. Nothing I said fazed her, and for a brief second, I wondered if we had this conversation before only she retained the knowledge from the previous encounter whereas I was stumbling blindly through this temporal vortex of a scenario. My head hurt. "Stop thinking about what you've destroyed," she carefully said, "and instead focus on what you've created. I bring you here today to show you what will be, not what was." Liar. "This is the past. This isn't the future." "Only because you let it be. What you see here can be rebuilt. You've done it once, so why can't you do it again? As long as your soul - which is as eternal as time, mind you - remains, your world still has hope. I am here to help and guide you." "I don't want-" Realization. It parted the heavens and struck me between the eyes. I am here to help. A flash and a scene change. The roof melted revealing Usagi clothed in princess attire. Atop a spike of ice, I floated, my soul jammed between oblivion and consciousness. A mantra snatched from the future echoed throughout the undead plane, my anchor to a quickly fading world: "Minna, I need your help." Closer and closer I struggled, my friend so far away. I didn't how to help, but I had to. I needed to. Then she mouthed, "Minna, I need your help." I am here to guide. A crack of lightning and a roar of thunder. My icy tomb reformed into a rooftop, a dark, gray rooftop of death. My chest - my whole being - hurt. I saw minna lying on the ground next me like a haphazard dispersion of cherry blossoms. I was empty, I was dying, but I was dying for her. I did my duty, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. Utter desperation and sadness ruled my final thoughts, and then... and then... A slight feeling of nausea swept through me just before time stopped. I am here to support. An explosion and a crash. Rei clung to my battered form like a baby, tears streaming from her soul. I witnessed her resurrection - figuratively speaking, of course - her ascendance from a grief stricken teen to an indebted ball of conviction. The glow of selfishness became a black hole of self-righteousness thanks to Death's fleeting touch. The aforementioned explosion reminded me of danger, and as my gaze circumnavigated Rei's visage and landed on the airport ceiling, I saw concrete slabs collapse upon us. Time slowed giving me time to push away the pain in my leg, gather my wits, and hurl both me and her in a random - and hopefully - safe direction. Like a bad action movie, time regained traction and sped along its merry way. I am here to destroy. Power. Intense, blinding, corrupting power surged to and from me, the ache of every particle magnifying a hundred fold. In a split second, my eyes shot open and I tried to reel back in the energy like a tasteless quip. I tried, but I couldn't. I was rooted in position, waves upon waves of exhaustion crashing against me as bloodcurdling cries of agony and misery buffeted the skies. I saw minna, tired and spent, gasping for air. I saw Rei, a relieved smile on her face. I tried to scream at her, to beg her to hear the protests of our people as they slowly forgot sadness or happiness. I tried to tell her how wrong we were. But I couldn't. The reprimanding gaze of Setsuna - the only one among us still standing - closed my mouth and kept me still. My last thought was... ... coming back to earth. A millennium's manipulation clicked into place. Gears of mechanisms much greater than myself - however great I thought I was - emerged from the drawn curtains. Shadows peeled away to reveal the poison which polluted my soul. I gasped and choked, unable to breath, unable to comprehend. Unable to live. Eyes wide as saucers, I whispered, "You..." She looked like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She gripped her staff tighter, shifting it into a semi-defensive position. She grimaced, her expression that of a discovered snake. My mind numbed. My body was ethereal. I didn't know life anymore. A sudden stroke of unwanted truth ruptured my existence, spurred by an eon of memories. Was my entire life a waking dream? Did SHE guide my fate whichever way it faced? Was this another one of her games, a small match in a tournament where the only winner was her? More veils tore away. More lies surfaced. More pain lurked around the corner. This was why I wanted to forget, to run, to never return to Crystal Tokyo. I could've drowned my sorrows, spent another thousand years - or however my wretched body persevered - without knowing what I know, but I didn't. I chose to find the truth, to exonerate myself by discovering some proof of my righteousness. What a fool I was. What an idealistic, arrogant fool. Here was my proof. Here was my truth. Here was my purpose for living! She manufactured me - manufactured the Senshi! - to guide the world as she saw fit. We were tools, to be used, sharpened, then discarded when the greater objective was fulfilled. No, Setsuna wasn't the Guardian of Time: she was my master, my puppeteer, my regent, my God. An infinitesimal part of me - a tiny, tiny, formerly bothersome and ambiguous voice - knew, somehow. That tiny part saw the close shaves, the impossible saves and the mistress conducting the symphony of falsehood. That's why it told me to run, to forget, to seek a new purpose in another world because... because... I had no purpose to begin with. It told me to dash away the memories in London, to find my lost inner child in Paris, to blind myself with love in Montreal, to drug and destroy my old self in Hong Kong. It told me to kill Sailor Venus. It told me to throw off the yoke of responsibilities and master my own destiny. That voice... that voice was me. Aino Minako. The girl who died a thousand deaths and caused a million more. The girl I was told to ignore for the greater good, for my duty, for my queen. The final curtains loomed before me. "Why, Setsuna? How?" She tucked away her displeasure, instead adopting a small grin. Her defensive stance never slackened. "Why, you ask? Why not? Don't you remember the world around you during your childhood? Filled with disease, riddled with poverty, accosted by hate - that vicious cycle dominated countless civilizations. Tides of pestilence offset times of prosperity, the stubborn process started and restarted by ignorant ruling bodies tripping over themselves, jockeying for one-upmanship. I was tired of it, Minako, tired of watching towering juggernauts fall before attaining true happiness. Chinese, Egyptian, European, Russian, American - from whatever culture, whenever in time, innumerable souls have suffered again and again because of the same mistakes. I want to stop that suffering. I want to see a mother's eyes light up when she cradles her child in its sleep. I want everyone to enjoy life without the self-destructing hands of jealousy and hate tainting their lives. I want to have a civilization obtain perfection so those aforementioned souls will experience some measure of peace." "And we're your means to this perfect world?" I asked, indignation gracing my voice. "We're your immortal government, powerful enough to wipe away all traces of sadness, eternal so that we'll always remember past transgressions?" "Yes." "Well, what about me, Setsuna?! What about me?! Did you ever ask me if I wanted to take part in this nature defying experiment?! Did you once stop to think about my soul or my happiness?! Did it ever occur to you that knowing your methods, knowing the pains I had to go through, knowing this world's sacrifices, that I would not - COULD NOT - approve?!" She spread her arms out motioning to the peaceful surroundings and asked, "But how could not approve? This was where my endeavor began. Despite countries warring with each other, despite hardships of all kinds leaking forth from man's doings, did you ever experience any of it? When you walked down the street, did you see one person lying on the pavement, newspaper swamping him like a blanket? At night, did you fear for yourself when you went home late? Were people anything but grateful when the beloved Sailor Senshi showed up to save the world? Wasn't your family kind and supportive, filled with pride about their daughter who was so full of life and knowledge despite her being a bit flaky and ditzy? Your mother beamed-" "You shut your mouth. You have no right to talk about my mother, you heartless manipulator." "I have no right? Minako, I made your family. I made you. You stand here today because of my hand; otherwise, you'd just be another soul waiting in that long line to pursue another pointless existence." Peel back the layers, open the skeleton-filled closet, tear away the curtains, and what did I get? Lies built upon lies while truth - the tattered truth I made - languishes in the winds of time. "What about the Moon Kingdom? What about our past lives?" "A convenience. True, the utopia you recall did exist, but like all great social experiments, it failed because of internal strife, civil unrest, and political corruption. Back then, I was as naive as you, thinking that if enough kindness was in the world everyone would be happy. I watched as powerful, idealistic individuals - of which your were one - guide harmonious nations, smiled as hope brimmed from every corner of life. I took part in the doomed project and used my power to help delay the inevitable failure because I thought it could work." She sighed regretfully, "Naive, I tell you. Naive as you. I put my heart into the kingdom, into its people. Imagine the pain which consumed me when the civilization shattered. "And before you even ask about the Dark Kingdom, let me tell you that it and Serenity's lot were one in the same. The vile 'evil' that you destroyed a thousand years ago rose from the ashes of the poor and desolate trying to eke out a better existence for themselves. Their selfish but paradoxically 'noble' goals allowed others to manipulate them; the Dark Kingdom represented nothing more than a pack of lesser farmers spurred to action by lesser statesmen craving for more. I chose all of you to start this beginning with me because I admired you idealism, your devotion; they were tested enough when the Dark Kingdom advanced upon you. The only great evil, Minako, is man himself. The world had to realize that, but it didn't, so I'm lending a helping hand by pushing forth this realization." I tried to say something. I tried to will myself into defiance. I tried to fight back. But what do I say to Her? What do I say to my Maker? What do I say to my God? Centuries of hard living streaked across my mindscape, intersecting and weaving into an orchestrated mosaic of perverted happiness. Things - then-thought pointless activities, seemingly death defying saves, improbable second, third, and fourth chances - tumbled onto me like an avalanche of news that could and did break the foolish frame which stood against it. I wavered, a flame in the eye of the hurricane, an ant before a tidal wave, a woman without a country. I did the only thing I could. I fought back, thinking that if I fought against her I could also fight back the hurt. The transformation washed over me, imbuing me with unimaginable power fueled by my emotions. Lances of energy streaked out from my fingers, thirsting for its "savior's" blood. Meteors impacted in empty places, places I could've sworn she was at. She was suddenly behind me, and I let a deadly kick loose in her vicinity. Of course, the strike met nothing but air. Maybe my uncontrolled sobs hindered my vision, but as fast as the fight had begun, it was over. I whipped my head around just in time to see a pink globe smash into me. It sent me careening onto rubble filled floor and knocked the wind out of me. As I regained my bearings, her soft voice rang out again. "Can't you see? I'm trying to help. Man doesn't know what's good for himself, so he must be told. Do you want an endless cycle of selfishness and pain? Do you want the blood of posterity to be spilled on the ground you walk? Do you want famine and plagues to roam the earth?" No... no... "What you're doing is against nature!" "Really?" she almost taunted, "Like nature ever intended us to have skyscrapers and weapons of mass destruction. Nature has never stopped anyone - or anything - from seeking out their own goals." "Then why can't we seek happiness on our own?" "Because there is none. We must make it. Nature is not a kind mother. She tries to tell us that fulfillment will leap upon us when we are the most selfish, when our minds can think of no one but ourselves, when we rise above the conquered bodies of our challengers. What of those conquered bodies? What about those who can't claw their way to Nature's prime positions? They are also privileged to touch heaven, not just the select few." I heard the subtle undertones. "Why fight me?" the wind whispered. "We want the same thing," the sea rumbled. "Come back with me," time echoed. Most of all, my heart ached to belong, so much so that it cried, "Why do you torment me?" If I returned with her, I would acknowledge to living a lie, to be an instrument of an artificial God. Ahh, but the future was a good lie, a great life. Friends, family, fame, fortune, fulfillment - all of it was there, waiting for me. Everything that I ever wanted was put in front of me on a crystal platter. Nothing was unattainable, nothing was undoable, nothing was... nothing. No more tears, no more sleepless nights, no more mournful internal monologues, no more pain, no more selfishness. God provided all, didn't She? "Knowing the things you know, seeing the things you've seen," said Setsuna, measuring me, "Will you return? Crystal Tokyo needs you. Your people need you. I need you." My shoulders slumped. My hair fell in front of my face. I picked myself up off of the debris filled ground. I smiled. Finally, I smiled a genuine, unabashed smile. Power surged through me gathering at the tip of my index finger, enough power to punch through a company or two of oncoming forces. It was a practiced maneuver. I concentrated, focusing the beam into a thin, narrow projectile of death. Never had I so gathered myself into one desperate shot. Never had I so thrown myself into a last ditch effort. Newfound resentment bristled with excitement and urged me on; old wounds rallied for revenge. I hoarded so much energy into my finger that my very soul seemed to reside within the pulsating, golden light. Sighing, Setsuna raised her staff, said, "A simple 'No' would've sufficed," and prepared for combat. I wished I had eyes in the back of my head because I would've loved to see HER eyes grow wide in surprise, perhaps the only time she ever was. Turning around, I unleashed the needle of energy toward the Crown arcade. It cut through the window pane like butter, leaving a tiny hole as evidence of its journey. The beam flew past Makoto's left shoulder, scurried the length of the booth's table and found... found... my heart. A time paradox exploded before me. My past was dying and my future remembered it. I felt me, myself, Minako lurch backward, clothes, skin, bone, artery, muscle skewered in one lightning strike. The initial penetration liberally splashed dots of red on all my friends and their food, akin to a bad Halloween decoration. Unoxygeniated blood flooded my ventricles as breaths came shorter and shorter. The blood which didn't make it into the heart chambers gushed out onto my uniform. A lung was hit too, evident by the bubbles of bodily fluids I exhaled. The room spun like a roulette wheel. My friends called my name like a bunch of gamblers screaming out their bets. I slumped onto Ami's lap, her horrific screams drowned out by my diminishing hearing. Tunneling. Everything tunneling, becoming smaller and smaller. I couldn't focus on anything because focusing took too much strength, so much strength it hurt. Thinking became a chore as exhaustion washed over me. Death's fingers clenched tighter around my throat, any remaining wisps of air forced out. The world was a bright speck in the darkness. I pulled myself toward the light, trying desperately to leave this cold, lifeless place. The light pulled away and I was alone. Alone without breath or pulse to keep me company. I collapsed to the unseen floor and never got up. My vision returned to the roof across the street. Pillars in my mind fell like a house of cards, crushing memory after dreary memory. The sky clouded over, thunder exploded from the heavens - the newly opened paradox became even more unstable. My past self was dead and my future self stood within an earshot of my cooling corpse. Time loudly voiced its disapproval. My veins tore themselves apart, my very existence unraveling and contorting amidst this new revelation. Flesh blinked into and out of phase as the time stream tried to come to a decision whether or not it belonged on my bones. I had no solid form, instead, I rippled like water. Every crest sent small parts of myself away; every ebb drew in unwanted, unneeded, and unsightly particles. One second I burned. Another I froze. Then I imploded. After which I decayed. Crashing, crashing all over my memories. I remembered, yet I didn't. Something, sometime so long ago, I was part of something important. What was it? Oh yes, the Senshi. Why was I here? Wasn't I suppose to be in London? Oh, did I forget my lunch money? Ack, I'm late for the wedding! I reined in my thoughts, held onto them tightly because they were my only connection to this world. I knew perfectly what was going on: my past was being erased. If I didn't live for that millennium, if I wasn't there for the Senshi, then the future would not be. At least, not be what I remember it to be. No old Minako meant no present Minako. Simple but incredibly painful logic. The chaos winded down. The eye of the hurricane - that's where I was. Time was thrown off kilter by my actions, but it didn't fall: it was ready to correct the inconsistency. If time had a physical manifestation, I could've sworn it dove straight into me. In the same instant, I sped up and slowed down - past and present collided. My mind was being wiped clean. Events which happened didn't; events which did, I didn't know about because I was dead. Like a methodical computer, time analyzed all the sectors of my memory, decided they were all corrupted and proceeded to delete. Forget... The smiles and grins. Makoto playfully threw a burnt cookie at me; the projectile nearly knocked me out. Yet, despite my almost catatonic state, we laughed like two schoolgirls without a care in the world. Maybe it was because we were two schoolgirls. Not so much without a care in the world, but because we cared so much we saw something in everything - yes, that's why we laughed. While daemons descended across and we repelled them much to protest of our battered bodies, moments of unadulterated joy and simple bliss kept us afloat. I lived off of love - love for the world, love for my friends, love for life. I wondered how much of that love was real, but I dashed the thought. Those emotions were mine; I knew how I felt. Forget... The sleepless nights and quiet desperation. While Ami tutored, I groaned. All the head and heart ache for what? A job? A career? Sure, of course, if we made it through the day, but I wasn't too confident - not after the newest thrashing we received. How could she think about the future when our days seemed numbered? School wasn't high on the "I-Care-About-It" meter. I collapsed onto my desk in frustration. "How can you even study?" Calmly, she whispered, "Because I don't want to disappoint my family." Ami saw the confusion in me and gave the most brilliant answer possible. Her bookworming wasn't only for her mother or her friends which she would come to see as family, but rather, it was for herself. Studying was her anchor: good test scores meant a good education, a good education meant a good college, a good college meant a good career, and a career meant a future. She studied because she believed there would be a future that not only included her but also a true love and perhaps children. She cut through the shallow veil of present danger and peered toward the oncoming days, perfectly sure that it would be all right. Smiling, I refocused my attention and tried - but failed miserably - to share in the optimism. Forget... The many slurps and much shivering. I glanced at Rei, seeing her for the first time. She was so vulnerable, so strong, so innocent. I finally understood the pain of losing her world, of watching it slip by as she stood in the departing gale. Hate melted from my icy heart: I couldn't hold her accountable for a crime she was forced into perpetrating. Oh Rei, how I wished I had said more that night to comfort you. If anyone should be thrown to hell, it should be me for being a terrible, stubborn and blind friend. You lost your world and I was only there to poke that conspicuous vein in your forehead before going boy crazy. Then, for the splitest second, her eyes lit up (perhaps grateful for the normality, self-perceived support, or what have you) before the customary "Baka Mina!!!" adjourned by her anti-Usagi face leveled against me. The light still gleamed, and now I realized it always had, but I was too self absorbed to see. Forget... The honks and screams. Yes, I found that when the need arose, Haruka could scream like a girl. I happily wove her car into and out of oncoming traffic. A few times, she tried to commandeer the driver's seat, but a well placed hairpin turn threw her back into her seat. When I finally stopped back at her house, Haruka - peeling her white-knuckle bare fists from the top handle bars - growled, "Baka Mina!!! You are never touching my baby again, no how much you want to learn how to drive! Are you insane?!" Michiru stood at the front door, laughing hysterically. I knew what I did, how I did it, and who I did it to. As for the "why," I shot my driver's-ed sensei a big grin and chirped, "Hai!" I laughed at the look of pure and utter disbelief on her face. Sometimes, I just needed to let go and be free; who better than the wind to show me how to do it? Perhaps that need was a sign of things to come. Forget... The pops and cheers. Usagi and Mamoru got married. We stood around them throwing rice, kisses and love. Minna screamed at the top of their lungs, tears of joy streaming down their faces: even Haruka got bleary eyed. Sweeping us off our feet, emotion escorted us to wherever it pleased. It heard no protest. Despite the world in shambles, we found a reason to be happy, to fight on, to have hope. Their union inspired us all to rally against the forces outside. If such beautiful, selfish yet selfless love existed, our duty was to protect it. Forget... The setting sun and the lazy dusk. As I stretched out upon my bed, Artemis stretched out on my stomach. Yellow rays of light highlighted our most prominent features - my golden hair and his whitened fur. Simultaneously, we shifted about and grunted slightly, both attempting to attain that perfect position. I grinned at him and he smiled back. No words were exchanged to fill the silence because another noise would've brought about another set of problems. We both understood that this was what we fought for - a quite, peaceful time of self-indulgent bliss. Yes, bliss for everyone, and we were having some well-deserved bliss ourselves. Remember... Perhaps true happiness was the knowledge that everyone was happy. That way, there wouldn't be anything to worry about. But could heaven be thrust into our hands without an unhealthy smattering of hell? No. Nothing in the universe was freely given: in order to attain something, someone or something else must lose it. Capitalism, karma, balance - whatever we choose to call it, one's gain was another's loss, however minor. For Setsuna to freely give her brand of happiness to the world, she had to have taken it from someone. The Senshi. My friends. My family. Me. She collected my spilled blood and tears, tricked me into tasting - and liking - the bitterest fruit, hoarded my actions and emotions, leeched my life away. She used me like a battery to power her dreams. She made me shoulder the heaviest burdens. I would've freely done all of that if I was given a choice. But, like I said before, she didn't give me a choice: she raped my life. For once, I wanted to do something for myself and I couldn't have it because she made the decision for me, a decision I had no part in. What decision though? What unrepayable debt was withdrawn? What was I trying to remember? Why did I feel the way I did? Remember... That I had forgotten. "NO! I hadn't!" Remember... That I had once forgiven. "I refused to forgive! Refused to forget the pain, the lies, the chains, the shackles, the torture, the... the..." Remember... That I had no answer for feeling this way. Balance - maybe the world was more of a balance than I thought it was. In front of me stood the ultimate escape: the release of death and oblivion. Memories gave me pain, but still I insisted on holding on because they were my struggles, my pain. Balance - in order to get something, I must give something. I endured a millennium of unwitting torture, but why must I look to the past? The past was dead, so maybe it was time to let go, to release the built up pain and withdraw the considerable dividends of a life unlived. I would not continue to be Setsuna's battery. Balance - forgive and forget versus remember and retaliate. I tried forgiving, but I never forgot. I tried forgetting, but I never forgave. Never at the same time. When the conflagration of hatred subsided, I always kept a few embers to ignite the flames when the situation demanded. When I discarded those embers, raw emotion blazed out of control. It was time to let go. It might had been my pain, it might had been my prison, but happiness was also mine. I released my grip on my many scars. Hong Kong, England, Canada, Masks, Death, Crystal Tokyo, The Purging, Serenity, Endyimon, SmallLady, TheGreatWar, Wiseman, Mars, Pluto, Artemis,Venus,Uranus,Neptune,Saturn,Mercury, Jupiter,Moon,Luna,FriendsFamilyChildrenSmilingDeath WorldCollapsing NoOne CaringMeMyselfReiUsagiHotaruHaruka AmiMakotoMichiruChibi-UsaMamorugrandpasailorv mommydaddyhappynohoneyweregoingawaynow... As I grew lighter, no longer hindered by burdensome memories, I split into my two halves. They eyed each other conspicuously like long time enemies finally meeting face to face. Time had taken so much from them; life didn't even give them a chance. They were identical save for one thing: Minako loved the people, Venus loved the world. They had so much to give, but they lived in each other's shadows, forever and day jockeying for superiority within their domain like the failed governments Setsuna shunned. Aino Minako, meet Sailor Venus. Sailor Venus, meet Aino Minako. Perhaps misery did love company because they smiled warmly at each other. They embraced in a blinding flash of light, lifting me into heights unknown. For a second, I felt peace. True peace. The torrent of love-hate and hate-love subsided, my soul no longer at war with itself. Through their altruistic views, they grew to despise; through their hearts, they came to peace. I watched a millennium's toil bear the sweetest fruit. Suddenly, my trials and tribulations didn't seem so bad. I released my tenacious grip on my emotions and let them roam as they pleased. The weight of the world lifted away. No longer did I have to fight to be happy. I just was. That's what I was searching for. To just be. That was all I ever wanted to know. For a brief second before everything became nothing, I believed in happiness. No where, no when did this soul bear the pain she did. In her death, she found relese. Never will another think of her as one without country or purpose or happiness. They simply will not think of her or her great deeds, for while she endured she graced many more lives than she destroyed. Existence will never be the same. The End. ************** Author's Notes ************** Many people contributed time, effort, encouragement and, most importantly, patience to make this story work. I want to take this little time to thank each and every one of you, and to say a last goodbye as I (hopefully) gracefully take my final bow on this great genre, great site, and great life. Bethany - My first editor and supporter. Her enthusiastic prompting gave me the confidence to write, continue, and finish "Clean." Although we haven't talked in ages, I relish the times we spent batting ideas back and forth, both helping each other become better writers. Without her, I wouldn't be here, writing these words. Black Beyond - My second editor. With her gracious comments, she put my butt back on track and forging on. In addition to her early support, she was the one who guided me into ff.net and introduced me to a huge world of literature. Thank you. The Legendary Redhawke - My staunchest supporter and harshest critic. Many times, his words have made me step back and reconsider how I shaped this story. His high standards and insistence for "something new and original" has been my compass for writing. Not to mention, TLR has been a great friend and wonderful spokesman. Don't think I've stopped lurking around on the ASMR board, man. I appreciate your kindness but can only offer you my gratitude in return. I'll never forget our friendship. Meara - I am humbled by Meara's dedication to cultivating the fragile, young author. Chapter after chapter, without fail, she has sent me glowing praises, proving once again that feedback is the source of an author's determination. She does this routinely for many, taking time to gently prod others along in order to expand their minds. What else can be said about such kindly acts except thank you? Andrea - To our beloved ASMR hostess who provides us a place to gather, discuss and exchange our various ideas. She has brought many of us together and continues to do so: her dedication to giving us ASMR is truly unparalleled. To a few friends and acquaintances: Aphrael - Great job on the board and highlights. You've done better than I ever could. His lordship Chaos - Thank you for the kind words, awesome fics, the various sneak peaks, and allowing me to stroke your massive ego :). Narie the Waitress - Trudge on, fellow moderator! I look forward to new fics from you, whenever they spontaneously appear. I Abibde (Everyone's favorite Mad Dwarf) - Thank you for that last email. Orchyd Constyne - When I was a moderator, you challenged me to serve the members better. As one of the few people (perhaps even only person) to do so, I can't thank you enough. And last, but certainly not least, to all the people who have put up with my tardiness in completing this fic. That's you reading this line right there! A writer is nothing without readers, and I'd be nothing without you. Thank you for your time. I hope this story fulfilled some of your expectations and gave you a few hours of enjoyment. -Don. 1/14/02