*This is my December
*This is my time of the year
*This is my December
*This is all so clear
*This is my December
*This is my snow covered home
*This is my December
*This is me alone

Junsui knelt over the bowl of the toilet, her gorge rising, her eyes
closed against the scene in front of her.  Tea cakes, tea, and fruits
from lunch were being expelled from her stomach in a partially
digested stream.  The sixteen year old heaved two or three times more,
sweating with the exertion.  When she felt the heaves subside, she
spit into the toilet, wiped her mouth with some toilet paper and
flushed it down with her lunch.  The cool air swept up to her face by
the fresh water eased the heat in her face.

She sat there, on the cool tile of the palace bathroom, and thought
about what had just happened.  She had been doing this every day,
multiple times a day, for almost two years.  And this was a light day. 
Usually she would pig out on cakes and cookies, anything she could get
her hands on, and then force herself to bring it back up ten minutes
later.  That was how it started out, at least.  Then it got to be
after she ate dinner.

Now it was every meal.

She could no longer help herself.  She ate, and could wait perhaps
twenty minutes at most, but she *had* to throw up.  She could not stop
herself.  Three months ago, her best friend Ai (Minako's daughter and
a year older than Junsui was) had caught her throwing up her meal for
the fourth time.  Ai had confronted Junsui then, threatening to tell
Makoto about it.  Junsui had begged Ai not to, told her she hadn't
been doing it long and she would stop.  She had cried, which always
made Ai do as Junsui wanted.

She hadn't stopped, she had just been more discreet about it.  She
varied the times when she would excuse herself to the restroom.  She
also began skipping afternoon meals and snacks so that Ai would not
catch on.  It made it harder when she got home, though.  Skipping the
afternoon meal and the snacks made it so that she binged when she got
home.  She would eat *anything* she could get her hands on and then
spend half an hour vomiting.  She knew she had a problem, she knew it
was bad to do it or else she would not need to hide, would not need to
feel ashamed.

But she was fat.  She had to keep herself slim.  She had to be small
and petite and not the woman her father insisted she would become. 
Since she was nine or ten her father had been telling her she would
grow up to be like her mother, boyish and plump.  Although Junsui had
never thought her mother to be plump, even after three children, her
father successfully skewed her vision of herself and those around
her.

Since she began her teachings at the palace, she had been very
critical of her body.  She was always comparing herself to Ai, who was
tall and slender.  Ai was as tall now, at sixteen, as Haruka was.  It
seemed Haruka was Ai's mentor.  Ai had cut her hair when she was very
young, much to Minako's dismay.  Ai had blonde hair with soft waves in
it, blue-green eyes, and tanned skin.  She was endowed in her bust,
had curves she tried to hide, but was slender and athletic.

She was Junsui's idol.

Slowly Junsui got up from her position in front of the toilet, turning
around to exit the stall.  It was then she came face to face with her
best friend, and she had been caught in the act, breaking her
promise.  Looking into Ai's eyes, with the betrayal shining in them,
Junsui's heart broke.

*And I...
*Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
*And I...
*Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that
*And I...
*Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed
*And I...
*Take back all the things I said to you

"Ai..." she managed to choke out.

"You promised, Junsui.  You promised you would stop if I didn't go to
Makoto-san.  And you broke that promise.  In all the years I have
known you, you have never done that.  How dare you do it now?!"

Junsui felt herself shrink away from the anger in Ai's eyes.  Ai was
four inches taller than Junsui, so she had to look up into that anger
if she wanted to address her friend. 

"Ai, I know.  I'm sorry. It was a slip," she chuckled nervously.  Her
secret was laid bare again, the shame flooding her being.  "I won't do
it again.  This time, I swear I won't.  No slipping.  I promise."

In the silence of the bathroom they both felt the uncomfortable lie
fall to the ground from Junsui's lips.  She promised, yes, but it was
an empty one and they both knew it.

"Your lying to me again.  I hate it when you lie to me!"  Ai's voice
boomed in the small room.  "You are going to kill yourself, Junsui! 
And if you are going to do it, then do it quickly.  I will *not* watch
you slowly waste away when I could have done something!  If you want
to die, then die!  But do not, and I mean it, do *not* ever lie to
me!"  Ai knew she was making very little sense, but she was so angry
that she was saying whatever would come to mind.

"Die?" Junsui asked.  "You think I want to die?"  She walked past Ai,
grabbing the older girl by her wrist and dragging her to the large
mirror.  There they stood side-by-side, their images like night and
day.

"No, Ai, I don't want to die.  Look at us!  Look at *me*!  You, tall,
thin, handsome and pretty.  Me, short, dumpy, plain and normal
looking!  You are 5'6 with curves and beautiful hair, you easily tan. 
I'm 5'2, small breasts and no hips, my hair is straight and lank.  And
tan?  Please!  I become a lobster in fifteen minutes.  I cannot
control my eye color, I cannot make my hair fuller or have large
breasts, but I can -- and I *will* -- make sure I do not become fat
and disgusting, Ai!"

Ai's eyes softened with sorrow and pity for Junsui.  The moment they
did, though, she wished she had kept those feelings under a mask. 
Junsui's eyes widened with rage.  "Don't you pity me!  You with your
smarts, your looks and your abilities!  I can still out show you in
the equestrian ring!  I still outclass you in etiquette!  I still
have more artistic talent and fashion sense in my pinkie toe than you
will ever have in your whole body!  So, don't you dare pity me, Aino
Ai!"  Junsui's eyes narrowed, her whole body shaking with rage.

"I can take care of myself, I am sixteen, I don't need you to babysit
me!  What I do is none of your business.  I wish you would just go
away and stay away from me, Ai!  You wanna tell Mom on me?  You want
her to know about me?  Fine!  I don't care.  But, if you do, you can
bet I will never even *look* your way again!"

Ai was still looking at their reflections in the mirror.  Yes, she was
taller, thinner, and more tan, but didn't Junsui see what *she* was? 
She was petite, full-figured -- or would be if she would just eat,
with doe brown eyes and soft brown hair.  She was beautiful, except
for lately.  Looking at her friend in the mirror she saw bones
protruding through the thin skin that was too pale, blue-black bags
hidden under heavy make-up, and someone who was just too scared of
being fat to be anything but thin.

Ai fought the tears in her throat, choking out, "Junsui, do as you
like.  I have tried."  She turned from the image in the mirror,
running from the smell of vomit, trying to be cool and cold about the
situation.

Her best friend was dying, and she couldn't do anything to stop it. 
Halfway down the long hall of the palace, Ai, stopped, looked around
and then sat against the wall when she was sure no one was coming. 
With her knees drawn up to her chin and her head resting on her knees,
Ai softly cried for her friend, wishing she could make it right.

*And I give it all away
*Just to have somewhere
*To go to
*Give it all away
*To have someone
*To come home to

Junsui just stood there for a while looking at the closed door.  She
felt really bad saying those horrible things to Ai.  She was her best
friend, and Junsui understood she had every right to be disappointed
in Junsui.  But, she was angry.  Angry at Ai, at her mother, at her
father... and at herself.  She wanted to stop, she really did.  It
hurt for her to keep doing this, and it was beginning to cause some
serious discomfort for her internally.  She constantly had heartburn,
her stomach ached, she hadn't had a period in over eight months...

She knew she was hurting herself, but she felt helpless to stop.  Her
mouth tasted bad.  She turned from the door and to the sink.  She
turned the cool water on and let it run for a moment, her eyes
unfocusing as she watched the water run.  She then leaned down and
splashed her face, chilling the heat on her cheeks.  She rinsed her
mouth out and then took two or three healthy gulps of the water.

She had just turned off the water when she felt a painful and violent
heave of her stomach.  She began to immediately vomit the water she
had just ingested.  She closed her eyes and gasped for air as the
heaves kept coming, several waves of them, forcing the water and
stomach bile into the sink.  When the heaves tapered off, Junsui spit
and opened her eyes.

The sink was splashed with blood.  She looked into the mirror and saw
blood smeared on her face, dripping from her mouth.  Panic seeped
around her heart as she stared at the red on the counter, in the sink,
and on her lips.

It was then she did the only thing she knew how to do.

Right before the wave of dizziness overtook her and she fell to the
floor, she called for Ai.

*This is my December
*These are my snow covered dreams
*This is me pretending
*This is all I need

Junsui heard soft sounds, hushed voices.  Her head pounded, her throat
felt raw.  She wanted water.  She heard a door softly close and
silence returned to her.  Her eyes felt gritty and dry, she didn't
want to open them.  Her eyes did open, though.  They soft light of the
dim room still hurt, but she quickly adjusted.  She felt weak and
exhausted simply from that action alone and didn't think she would
have the strength to move her head and see who was in the room with
her.

She first turned her head to her left, facing nothing but the blank
wall, a side table, and an IV bag filled with fluid.  They must have
just changed the IV bag and that's what woke her.  She turned her head
to the right and saw another side table with flowers and cards.  She
smiled at those.  Beyond that was a small couch and a chair.  The
chair was filled with a sleepy and tired looking Ai.

The look on Ai's face made Junsui's heart break.  The tears rushed to 
her eyes, a soft whimper emerging from her throat.  Ai stood up 
quickly, rushing to Junsui's bedside.

"Shhh..." she said softly.  "It's ok now, it'll be ok.  Your Mom, 
Haruka-san and Serenity-sama are all outside.  They're talking to the 
doctor.  Junsui, you are very sick.  They all want to help you.  You 
need to let them."

Junsui nodded, her lip trembling while looking at the worry in Ai's 
face.  Ai was kneeling beside her, stroking the side of her cheek 
where the tears kept slipping down.  "They'll help you.  You just need 
to let them, ok?"

Junsui nodded again, taking deeper breaths.  Ai's head turned when the 
door opened again.  In came her mother, looking so worried; Haruka-
san, looking very distraught; and Serenity-sama, looking pale and 
disturbed.  Fear sat in Junsui's empty belly, she knew what was going 
to be said, and she didn't like it.  She squeezed Ai's hand tight, 
never wanting to let go.

The doctor cleared his throat.  "Junsui, Ai has already filled in many 
of the blanks for us, though there are still many.  You are very 
underweight, eighty-nine pounds when you should weigh one-
twenty-five.  You are very sick, malnourished.  We need to get you 
admitted to the juvenile psychiatric ward so they can help you 
recover your weight, help you with the emotional issues with this, and 
then we need to re-evaluate your medical needs."

Makoto walked over to Ai's side, resting her hand on the clasped hands 
of Ai and Junsui.  "You can be transferred there in a week or so, when 
your strength is back up.  I want you to go, Junsui.  You are sick, 
and I am sorry I didn't see it."  Junsui nodded again, tears streaming 
down her face.

"She needs her rest.  We should all get out of here.  Michiru is 
expecting me, I am sure Yui-chan and Kobe-kun would like to know their 
sister is well, and Serenity-sama needs to get back and get some 
rest."  Haruka gently pushed the doctor and Serenity out the door, 
talking softly to them.  Ai leaned down and hugged Junsui.

"I'll be back first thing tomorrow with your studies and we can work 
on them together.  Sleep well."  Ai squeezed her hand one last time 
and slowly trudged out of the room, leaving mother and daughter.

"Momma..." she choked out.

Makoto embraced her daughter then, holding onto her tightly.  "We'll 
fix it, love, we'll get through this.  It'll be hard, but we'll do it.  
Together."

--- End Junsui's Story ---