Author Note:  I don't usually write notes in my chapters, I save it
all up and put it in the last chapter.  I just feel that there is a
need for me to place this one and warn my readers of the content.

This chapter portrays child molestation on a girl from the age of 9 to
12.  This is not a hentai, it is the bonding between one girl who has
suffered silently at the hands of her step-father and another girl who
is recovering from an eating disorder brought on by her father's
verbal abuse.  This was not how I intended Ai's story to be, but the
character developed to this stage.  It is an important facet to her
personality and I find there is a need in fanfiction to directly
address a horrible, realistic trend in children these days.

If you, or someone you know, is being sexually abused, has been
sexually abused or raped, please *tell* someone.  Sometimes we cannot
speak for ourselves, and our friends or loved ones must do it for us.
These people take from us something that can never be given back, and
for that should be punished.  You can find rape/incest/abuse help at
the following link: http://www.rainn.org/ - The Rape and Incest
National Network.  Silence is the enemy.

~Orchyd Constyne

*I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
*She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
*To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
*But it haunts her mind.
*You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
*And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
*Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear

Her dark secret.  Something she wanted to hide from me.  And as her
best friend, I had never even noticed.  We had known each other since
I was a baby, and even when it was going on I didn't know.

No one knew.

But, now I know.

---

It was the second month I was in the juvenile psychiatric ward.
It was common practice for my Mom to visit me for an hour on
visitation days and Ai would visit for two hours after she had gone.
This was a ritual we shared during my recovery.  Ai helped to keep me
sane.  My dirty secret had been aired, everyone knew I was sick.  I
was so worried what all the other kids thought of me, but it was Ai's
opinion I valued most.

I had been crying a lot, I just couldn't stop.  I was miserable.  I
knew the people were trying to help me, but my need to be thin was so
overwhelming that I had little control.  That loss of control was
what hurt so much.  Ai found me after my mother's visit, in the
cafeteria, staring angrily at my lunch.  It was simple enough: glass
of milk, some carrot sticks and some rice.  Very simple, easy for my
damaged stomach to digest.

All I saw was pounds going on my hips.

Ai sat there and watched me for about half an hour, I just stared at
the offensive meal.  We did not speak, but I tried to radiate the
feeling that I wanted to be left alone.  Finally, Ai hissed in my
direction.

"Junsui, eat the damn food and be done with it."

I raised my eyes, full of tears and anger, and snarled back, "I would
if I could, Ai!  I want to eat it, I know I should, but I can't!  And
what would *you* know of internal struggle, Ai?  You have had a next
to perfect life.  You have no idea what it's like."  I had wanted to
take the words back as soon as I had spoken them.

"Perfect?  Have you gone mental as well as starved, Junsui?  Three
Dads, a recovering alcoholic for a Mom, being a tomboy, and being
talented.  How is that perfect?  I get hassled by anyone outside the
palace, I hate my father for abandoning me, and I have to live with
what happened with Mom's third husband."  Ai looked away.

"What?" I asked.  It was such an odd statement.  I had always thought
Ai got along with her second step-father.  He had been extremely fond
of her, encouraged her individuality.  "What are you talking about?
Li was a very nice man, what could have happened?"

Ai looked around, "Eat and then I will tell you my deep, dark secret,
OK?  Just eat and then you can know."

It was incentive.  I knew she was just trying to get me to eat, but my
curiosity had gotten the best of me.  I picked up the rice and the
chopsticks and began to eat.  It took me about twenty minutes to
finish the meal, and it sat like a lead weight in my stomach.  I
wanted to know what had happened with Li and why Ai had kept it from
me all these years.

Ai looked at her hands and spoke softly, but slowly, telling me all
the dark corners of her childhood...

"I was eight when Mom remarried, and Li was more her age than her
previous husband had been.  Li was pretty nice to begin with.  Mom
worked a lot of late hours cause of the new issue they were putting
out at the time, plus she was working on her own magazine.  She was
just always so busy, and usually left at seven in the morning and
didn't come home until two or three at night.  Li quit his job to stay
home with me, I was still too young, they thought, to stay at home so
often by myself.

"Li was nice.  He made me my lunches, my dinners, did the chores,
played with me and my toys.  For the first year of their marriage I
thought the guy was my best friend and I welcomed him as the father I
had always wished for.  Mom was extremely happy as well, she never
cheated on him, she didn't go wild or anything like with Scott or
Kenkyo.  I actually thought we were going to be a pretty normal
family.  You know what it was like, you were over all the time with
Yui.  It was fun and loving...

"Two weeks after my ninth birthday it started.  It was late; I know I
had been asleep.  I can still remember what I was wearing the night it
happened.  I was in my kitten nightgown, the one with all the
different cats on it.  Mom bought it for me, it was really the only
feminine thing I liked -- I was still such a tomboy.  Li crept into
my room, my night light barely illuminating the room.

"I thought he was coming in the room to check on me, make sure I was
asleep.  He knelt at the side of my bed, and I had no idea what he was
doing.  I was about to open my eyes and demand, well, as much as a
nine-year-old can demand, what he was doing waking me up, but I
stopped when he pulled back my blankets.  I pretended to still be
asleep, but I was afraid.  I had no idea what he was doing taking my
blankets away in the middle of the night.

Ai stopped there and looked up at me.  "You must understand, he
never actually had sex with me.  I am still physically a virgin.  What
he did...  I think it was worse than just raping me.  I know if he had
done that I would have kicked and screamed, I would have told my
mother.  But, I was confused at what he had done.  That first night he
mostly just watched me, touched my upper leg lightly.  That's all he
did to me the first night.  He pulled the covers back up over me and
left the room.  I know he went into their bedroom, and he probably...
well... you know."

I nodded slightly.  I knew what she meant alright.  And I felt the
food roiling in my stomach, threatening to come back up.  I wanted to
cry.  I looked around me and noticed that the room was filling up.

"Ai, why don't we go back to my room here?"  I smiled at her, "I have
earned privacy privileges by eating and gaining the weight I should."

Ai nodded and followed me back to the sparsely furnished room and open
bathroom.  I motioned to the bed, the most comfortable place to sit in
the room.  Ai's athletic figure fell gracefully to the mattress.  I
watched as she fidgeted, sweeping her short blonde lock from her face
and looking around.

"It's a nice room, Junsui."  Her blue eyes darted around the small
room.  I laughed.

"You're very polite, but it's kind of you.  Nevermind the room, Ai..."  
I raised my eyebrow at her, with a pointed look.

Ai nodded and looked through the window, her eyes somewhat glazed.

*Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
*Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
*Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
*I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
*Nobody's naming names

"I know what you're thinking.  It's enough to make someone sick.  I 
know it made, and still makes, me sick."  Ai looked to me briefly, 
then returning her gaze to the window.  She would not meet my eyes -- 
the shame was still there.  I wanted to help her as she had helped me.  
All I could was listen, and it seemed like a pitiful repayment for 
saving my life.

"It went on for months.  He would just come in there and look at me in
my nightgowns.  I would stay up most of the time, waiting for him to
come in the room.  I could not sleep until he had finished his nightly
visit.  For a week after that first night, I could not sleep at all
during the night.

"Then one night, a few weeks after your birthday, he came in much
later than usual.  I had fallen asleep.  I sleep on my stomach, and I
was wearing a pant and top set to bed.  I didn't feel him pull the
covers down.  What I did feel was his hand on my calf, it took all I
had not to tense up and scream.  I didn't want Mom to know.  He made
her happy, and she deserved to be happy.  I also knew she would blame
herself, and I thought it was my fault.  So, I bit my lip and kept my
eyes closed and pretended to sleep.

"He got bolder after that.  He started running his hand up my calf and
the back of my thigh and up to my butt.  The first time he did it, I
was so scared that I wet the bed, but he didn't seem to notice.  I
didn't dare get up after he left to change the sheets or go to the
bathroom, so I just lay there all night feeling the puddle get colder
against my legs."

At this point, Ai broke off her narrative and looked straight at me.
"Mom was so happy!  I hadn't seen her happy for so long.  I thought
she'd be upset at me if I went and ruined it by telling what Li was
doing.  So I let it go on.

"One night, I tried sleeping on my back because I thought he wouldn't
do anything... he'd only touched the backs of my legs before.  Of
course, I gave him exactly what he wanted.  That night, instead of
watching me for a while before touching me, he just sat down right
next to me and put his hand ... between my legs.

"I couldn't help it... I shuddered.  I was naive, but not that naive.
But if he noticed, he didn't show it.  He just started rubbing there.
After a while, my thighs felt wet.  At the time, I thought that I had
pissed myself again, but it didn't feel like it.  He just kept going.  
I bit my tongue so hard that I could taste blood welling in my mouth 
to keep from crying out.

"When he left, I waited until I knew he was asleep, then I crawled out
of bed and went to the bathroom.  I got into the shower, pajamas and
all, and just let the water run over me, hotter and hotter, watching
my skin turn red, watching the water mix with the blood and tears.

"I crawled back into bed about ten minutes before Mom woke up so that
she wouldn't find out that way.  But I faked a stomachache and stayed
home.  After Li went to work, I called Mom into my room and told her
everything.  I showed her the inside of my pajama bottoms stained with
blood and what I still thought was pee.

"She stared into space for a long time and I thought she was mad at
me.  I started crying and crying and telling her how sorry I was and
how I won't mention it again and I know how happy he made her and I
was just *so* SORRY!"

She broke then, tears so bad she shook.  Tears of sorrow, tears of
frustration, tears of rage.  I wasn't all that strong yet, but I held
her as best as I could, trying to provide any comfort that I could.  
It was my turn to be the stone she could lean upon.  She had been 
there for the divorce, the boyfriends, for the eating problems...  She 
had seen me through so much, and I clung to her as much as she clung 
to me.  It took her ten minutes, but the tears dried up and she was 
ready to continue.

*Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
*No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
*Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
*It's hard to sleep at all.

"Mom stood up, still not saying anything, went to my closet, pulled
out my overnight bag and started packing it.  I don't think she
actually saw anything she put in it because I watched her put six
pairs of panties, a shirt that was two sizes too small, a pair of
shorts with a hole in them, and three socks, all different colors.

"I thought she was going to send me away.  I was more scared in that
moment that I had ever been when Li had touched me.  I cried louder, I
screamed that I loved her and that I would let him do whatever he
wanted if she would just let me stay.

"She looked at me then for the first time since she came in the room.
And the recognition dawned in her face what she was doing -- or
rather, what she was *not* doing.  She fell to her knees and grabbed
me up in a huge hug and told me that I wasn't going anywhere without
her and that she was so proud of me for telling her and then she was
crying too and I still didn't know what was going on and I cried more
and we both just cried there on my floor for what seemed like hours.

"Mom took some deep breaths, rocking me back and forth slightly.
After a few moments she pushed me off her lap and slowly stood, wiping
her face.  She looked down at me and smiled.  'I need you to pack a
bag, quickly.  I want you to see your Aunt Ami while I take care of
this.  You can stay at the palace, sleep over with Junsui.  I need to
go freshen up and make a couple of calls.  I'll be back in a couple of
minutes, ok?'

"I looked up at her and smiled, telling her I would.  She kissed me on
the forehead and told me she loved me and walked out my bedroom door.

"Remember that night, Junsui?  Remember me, coming into the playroom
at the palace while you were staying over?  Your Mom had sent you
because my Mom had called her and Ami-san.  Before I came into your
room, Ami-san had given me a physical.  She confirmed to my Mom what I
had said, saying I had small vaginal abrasions that looks like
fingernail scratches.  He had not penetrated me, but to everyone else
in that room what he had done was just as bad.

"Mom took me to your room and told me not to worry, I would never see
Li again.  She told me that we would finally be moving into the
palace, just like Serenity-sama had been hinting at.  She liked having
us here to play with Mamoru-kun and Chibi Usa-chan.  Although it was
late, and I didn't wanna talk about it, the five of us stayed up,
Kobe-kun and Mamoru-kun watching TV and you, Chibi Usa-chan and I
playing with the dolls and such."

I remembered.  I had thought it was so strange for her to be dropped
off -- especially in her night clothes.  She also looked like she had
been crying.  I know, at the time and at the age, I would not have
been able to understand.  But, I understood now.  I wished I had been 
able to have been there for her.  I loved her.  Always had.

That was a major realization.  Sitting there, on my bed, listening to 
her story, knowing her pain.  We had taken our friendship deeper than 
a "friends since childhood" -- we were now young adults, we knew each 
other's darkest corners now.  It was then, looking at her flushed 
cheeks, shining blue eyes and fine boned face that I felt a stirring 
in myself I wasn't all that sure about.  It felt familiar, though, it 
felt right.

I pushed the feeling aside and continued to listen to her.

*Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
*Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
*Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
*She said His mercy is bringing her life again

"I am not sure what happened at the house the next day.  All I know is
the night I came to you, Mom stayed in the Queen's rooms with Ami-san
and Makoto-san.  The next morning, Setsuna-san said they went with Mom
to the house, with Endymion-sama, to pick up our belongings.  Later
that night, they showed up with those belongings and I was told Mom
had filed for divorce.

"It happened so quickly.  It's something I have lived with for the
past seven or so years.  Mom doesn't talk about it, she doesn't like
to even admit she and Li were married.  I know she feels so guilty
about it.  When I was younger, I tried to tell her I knew it wasn't
her fault.  I blamed myself until I was fifteen.  It was then I found
a group of... people... who had the same things happen to them.  Some
of them were worse off than me.  I could freely admit what had
happened to me, I could say what he did and how I felt about it.  The
head of the group, she had been molested for ten years, until she was
sixteen."

She looked up at me, tears in her eyes again.

"This woman's mother *knew* what her husband was doing to her little
girl!  It was then I thanked God my mother cared, that she had taken 
me away that very night.  Shortly after that I was able to realize 
that it wasn't my fault.  I didn't ask for him to touch me, I didn't 
want him to touch me, and so it could not be my fault."

She let out a deep breath and then smiled at me.  Her courage amazed 
me.  She had lived through so much, and here I was, in a mental 
institution, cause I refused to eat.  I felt so... immature and 
childish.  My pain, my self-loathing, seemed like nothing in 
comparison to hers, to what Ai had to have felt for so many years.  
She had felt these things and never given any indication.  I smiled 
back at her, tears coming from me this time, from the awe I felt when 
I looked at her.

Ai had grown into such a strong woman, and I was proud to be her 
friend, her closest companion.

"And that's what I had to tell you.  I wanted to also thank you, 
Junsui, for always being my friend.  Unconditionally and without 
expectation."  She took my hand then, squeezing gently, looking at our 
hands.  She started chewing on her lip a little, something I knew she 
did only when she was nervous.

"What is it Ai?"  My brow furrowed with a little more concern, I 
thought something else had happened with Li.  She looked up at me, a 
blush creating across her tanned skin.

"I have one more secret to part with.  I have not told *anyone* this, 
no one knows but me.  I think you should know, I know you need to 
know.  I love you."

I smiled, "I love you, too, Ai.  Always have."

"No, Junsui.  I *love* you, as in, romantically."

I know my mouth had to have hung open.  I was... surprised.  I didn't 
think Ai was like Haruka-san and Michiru-san, though it made perfect 
sense.  She had never had boyfriends like I had.  She resembled Haruka-
san a lot, too.  I was trying to say... something.  I am not sure 
what, but I wanted to say something to stop the suffocating silence in 
the room.  I didn't want her to think I was rejecting her, she had 
just caught me seriously off guard.  I needed to think about this, how 
I felt, who I was.  I had never had to answer those types of 
questions.

She stood up, laughing.  "Nevermind, Junsui.  I shouldn't have said 
anything."  She headed toward the door.  "I'll see you on Wednesday, 
after your Mom visits, like always.  Keep eating."  She smiled at me, 
but would not look into my eyes.

"Ai..." I finally choked out.  She looked over her shoulder, her hand 
on the doorknob.

*He's in the middle of her pain
*In the middle of her shame
*Mercy brings life
*He's in the middle
*Mercy in the middle

I stood up then, words still caught in my throat.  I didn't know what 
to say, all I knew was I didn't want her to leave yet.  I didn't want 
her to leave without telling her that it was ok, that nothing was 
ruined between us.

I wanted to tell her I loved her.  She had always been in my life, I 
never wanted her to leave it.  This was a new experience for me... for 
us.  I knew I loved her, I just had never thought of her in that 
sense.  Now that I was...

"Don't leave, Ai," I finally managed to choke out.  "I want..." I 
trailed off, I didn't know what I wanted, all I knew was what I didn't 
want.  "I don't want you to leave."  I looked up at her.  "Not yet."

Ai came back into the room, leaving the door closed.  Ai was a good 
four inches taller than I was, so she looked down on me, her eyes soft 
and loving.  I felt so... honored and beautiful with that gaze upon 
me.  I was speechless.

"You have beautiful hair, Junsui.  It changes color.  Outside it's 
like buckwheat, with clover honey highlights running through it.  
Inside it looks like maple syrup, deep and rich, flipping slightly at 
the ends, brushing the tops of your shoulders.  Your eyes," she 
focused on my eyes, her fingertips still touching my hair.  "Where do 
I start?  Warm, like liquid milk chocolate with gold flecks.  And when 
you laugh... they have this light that makes my heart melt.  Your 
lips are soft, barely pink... almost like you just finished kissing 
someone.  You are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out."  
She dropped her hand.  My heart was pounding, I didn't want her to 
stop talking, I didn't want her to stop touching.  "I just wanted you 
to know that you are not short with lanky hair, plain eyes, and no 
curves."

I nodded like an idiot.

"I'll get going.  Visitation is almost over."  She started to walk to 
the door again.  It felt wrong, like something was missing.  In a 
flash, I knew what that was.

"Ai?!" I called out to her, walking toward the door where she stood.  
I stood up on my tiptoes, pulled her head to mine and kissed her.  
After a moment, I broke away and giggled.

"I love you, too."

Her blue eyes lit up, dark shadows suddenly gone.  Her story was over, 
and a new one began.  I was so happy at that moment, because now I was 
to be a main character in her new tale.

--- End Ai's Story Pt. 1 ---