Sailor Moon is copyright 1992 by Naoko Takeuchi.

North American Rights for Sailor Moon are owned by

D.I.C.



Rating:  PG-13



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  Life  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Part I - Recovery

Chapter I - Vows





	Usagi stormed into her room and hurled her book

bag into a corner, landing it right on top of a light

blue rabbit.  Then, she flung herself onto her bed,

stomach down, her face buried in the crook of her

left arm, as her right arm hugged a small white teddy

bear to her chest.



	She had just come from a meeting with the

senshi.



^^^ the meeting ^^^



	Ami was the one who started.  "Look Usagi, we

need to talk.  Lately, you've been really . . .

preoccupied."



	"And it's not doing us any good," Rei put in.



	Ami gave Rei a look and went on.  "We're

worried about you.  You don't eat.  You don't sleep.

This can't be good for your health."



	"And, no offense, Usa, but it's no good for us

either," Makoto said.  "It takes more of our energy

to defeat a youma because your attack is getting

weaker.  We really need you."



	"I know this thing with Mamoru hurts, but

Usagi, try to understand.  We still need you.  This

is too extreme," Minako put in.



	Usagi was silent.  The four other girls

exchanged worried looks.



	"You guys just don't understand," Usagi finally

sighed.



	"Because you won't let us understand!" exploded

Rei.  "You never talk to us anymore!  It's like we

don't exist!  Like we're not even you're friends!"



	Usagi was on her feet in a second, glaring down

at the other four girls.  "How can I explain when

you're always lecturing me and telling me what I

should be?  When you're always criticizing me?  How

can I say anything?  I already know what you're gonna

say.  That it'll turn out alright!  You don't even

listen to me anymore!  All of your responses are,"

she waved her hands around frantically, "automatic!

You don't think about what you're saying.  You just

say it.  It's like you don't even care anymore."



	She was sick of it.  Usagi was sick of

everything and everyone.  Be this.  Be that.  Be

better.  Be anything but yourself.



	Why couldn't they just leave her alone?



	"Usagi, you know that's not true!" protested

Minako.



	"Usa, we love you.  We don't want you to get

hurt," Ami tried to explain, but failed miserably.



	"What does it matter?" Usagi shouted

frustrated.  "God, it's not like there's even that

many!  These are just random.  They happen once every

two weeks.  Not even!  You make it sounds as if it's

a major threat!"



	"It could turn into one, Usagi," Ami said

softly.  She had never seen her friend so . . . so .

. . so livid before.  "We don't know for sure."



	"Well, tell me when you do then!  I don't need

you guys yelling at me over something so small!"



	"We wouldn't yell you if you did things right!"

Rei spat out, still smarting from Usagi's previous

outburst.



	Everyone stared at Rei for a moment, in shock.

She closed her eyes and started again.  "I didn't

mean it like that . . ."



	"No, I understand," said Usagi curtly.  "I

understand perfectly."



	"We just want you to start thinking a little

more on track," Makoto put in.



	Usagi ignored her.  She picked up her bag,

walked out of the jinja and headed home.





^^^ later on that night (around 11:00)^^^





	The girls were battling a youma.  Sailor Moon

had arrived late and the lateness had its toll.  The

senshi were exhausted and unable to defeat it.



	Twice Sailor Moon had used her moon scepter

attack, but both were too weak to kill the youma.

All the girls were tired, drained, angry, and

unfocused.  It was only when Tuxedo Mask came and

distracted it that all the girls were able to throw

their attacks and defeat the youma.



	Tuxedo Mask disappeared as soon as the youma

died.



	Mars, Venus, and Jupiter looked on at Sailor

Moon.



	"Now do you see why we need you to stop

thinking about Mamoru?" Rei said angrily.



	"Rei . . ." Minako warned.



	"No!"  Everyone turned to Jupiter surprised, as

she knelt by Mercury.  "Rei's right.  Look at Ami."



	They all turned to see Mercury lying on the

floor.  She gently tried to cradle her broken arm.

Her ankle was bent in an unusual position.  She

gasped for breath as blood continued to drip off of

the wounds she had received.  She had been the one

who had first discovered the youma and had been

fighting it solo until the others arrived.



	Sailor Moon went white.



	"This never would've happened if you had been

on time.  Even if you had at least defeated the youma

with your first attack, it wouldn't be this bad!"

yelled Jupiter.



	"And you would've defeated it if you had been

at least a little stronger," added Mars, kneeling by

Mercury.



	"And she would've been stronger if she hadn't

been thinking about Mamoru so much," Venus finished

off, speaking more to herself than anyone,

realization hitting her.



	"You guys," Usagi started.  "That's not fair!"



	"Neither is what happened to Ami," said Venus

softly, as she turned her back to help Mercury.  "So

much for meaningless random attacks," she muttered to

herself.



	Sailor Moon touched the crystal that lay on her

chest with one hand, with the other hand outstretched

towards Mercury.  A beam of white energy went from

her hand to Mercury's body, and for a second,

Mercury's body glowed with a white aura.



	Most of her wounds healed but there were still

bruises and abrasions she would have to deal with

later, plus her arm and what she assumed to be a

broken ankle.  She continued to lay on the floor,

weak and exhausted, surrounded by her friends.

Sailor Moon transformed into civilian form.



	In their anger, the senshi could not see the

bruise Usagi had on her cheek.  They thought nothing

of, or at least ignored her bloodstained clothes.

Nor could they see her sprained wrist.  They did not

notice how she greatly favored her left leg or any of

the other wounds that covered her body.



	"Ami . . . You know I would never hurt you.

You know I'd never let you get hurt if I could

prevent it, right?  Ami?" Usagi spoke desperately,

seeking reassurance that one scout still had faith in

her.



	But Mercury only lay on the ground, struggling

for breath.  She said none.  She only looked at

Usagi, pained.  She opened her mouth as if to say

something and then turned her face away.



	Usagi stepped back as if she had been struck.

Emotions flew through her face.  Shock.  Pain.

Betrayal.  Anger.  They thought she was being

selfish.  They thought she was a horrible leader.

They didn't need to say it.  She knew what they were

thinking.  The phrase 'actions speak louder than

words' flew through Usagi's mind.



	"Just let me explain," Usagi tried.



	"_We_ have to get Mercury to a hospital, and

then get to our own beds," said Mars sharply,

revealing that they did not need nor want Usagi's

help any longer.



	And so they left Usagi alone with her

explanation.





^^^ at Usagi's house ^^^





	Luna nudged the weeping girl and said softly,

"You know they're right, Usagi."



	"NO!!!"



	Luna was surprised at the vehemence in her

voice, and only said, "Usagi, they-"



	"They don't know everything!" Usagi cried out.

"And neither do you!  You weren't even here the whole

day!  Get out!  I never want to see you again!"



	Startled, Luna said, "Usagi, you can't mean

that!"



	"Yes, I do!  You take their side without even

talking to me!  You assume to know everything!  You

assume it's my fault!  You don't know that!  Get

out!"



	Luna only stared at the crying form of Usagi.



	"GET OUT!!!!!" she sobbed out again.



	On the verge of tears herself, Luna jumped out

of the window and left.  It was only later that she

would remember the conversation.  Only later would

she remember that Usagi had said, "You weren't even

here the whole day."  And it would only be too late

when she finally discovered what that meant.



	As soon as she left, Usagi began to cry even

harder.



	In the hallway, Shingo crept to his sister's

door and leaned his forehead against it, tears

running down his face.  He wanted to comfort her.  He

had never seen her in so much pain.  'Except for

maybe the time she was crying over that Mamoru.'



	Ikuko came up behind him and laid a hand on his

shoulder.  He turned around and immediately buried

his face in his mother's stomach.  She held him

tightly.



	When his silent crying had subsided, she kissed

him on the forehead and hugged him again.



	"Go to bed," she said softly, as she gently

pushed him towards his room.



	He hesitated and looked towards Usagi's door.

"But what about-?"



	"I'll take care of her," Ikuko replied.  "Go."



	He hugged her swiftly one more time before

slowly disappearing into his own room.



	Ikuko knocked on Usagi's door, only to be

greeted by loud sobs.  She turned the knob quietly

and opened the door, letting herself in.



	What she saw would have broken any mother's

heart.  Usagi knelt beside her bed, her arms laying

on the bed, her head buried in her arms.  Her entire

body wracked with sobs.  When Ikuko entered, Usagi

lifted her head out of her arms.



	With red eyes and tears coursing down her face,

Usagi openly cried in front of her mother.  Ikuko

wasted no time in getting on her knees and gathering

the weeping girl in her arms.  She rocked Usagi back

and forth, spilling forth her own tears, and

whispering in Usagi's ear.  "It's going to be okay

Usagi.  I know it hurts.  It'll be okay."



	They stayed like that for what seemed like

hours on end.  Ikuko, at one point, managed to drag

her daughter and herself onto the bed.



	Usagi was trying to understand but she

couldn't.  Life was so unfair.  Life was so cruel.

She failed in comprehending everything that was

happening.  So, she did what anyone would have done.

She wept in the circle of her mother's arms, seeking

the comfort and reassurance only mothers were able to

provide.  And it was there that she cried herself

into a restless sleep, dreaming of betrayal,

distrust, and doubt.



	When Ikuko saw that Usagi was finally asleep,

she carefully tucked her in.  She kissed her forehead

and whispered, "Sweet dreams.  Tomorrow will be

better; I promise."



	Later that night, Usagi awoke.  She went to her

window and opened it, letting the cold wind wash over

her shivering body.



	'Maybe they have a right to doubt me,' Usagi

thought.  'I've certainly given them enough reason

to.'



	She stared at the half-moon.



	'Am I really everything they say I am?' she

asked herself.



		'Yes, of course you are.  That's why

		Mamo-chan dumped you.'



	Realization and hurt flashed through Usagi's

eyes.



	'It's true.  They can't all be wrong.'



	She sunk to her knees, as tears poured down her

face.



	'It's no wonder . . .'



	Silent sobs shook her small form.



	'They're all right.'



	She closed her eyes and rocked her body back

and forth, wrapping her arms around herself.



	'They were filled with so much doubt.  So much

anger.  They wouldn't even let me explain.  They were

so mean.'



		'They had to be.  It was the only way to

		get through to your thick skull.'



	'But they made it sound as if I were completely

irresponsible and uncaring.'



		'And do you have a defense to prove them

		wrong?'



	'I care about them!' she thought vehemently.



		'And do you have any proof of that?

		Showing up late and letting them get hurt

		when you could have prevented it?'



	'I couldn't help it this time!!!'



		'What about the other times?'



	'. . . '



		'That's what I thought.'



	The voice silenced.  Usagi brought her head up

and once again looked at the moon.



	'It hurts so much.'



		'Because you let them hurt you.'  It was

		another voice, an angrier, defiant voice.



	'Huh?'



		'You let them see your weaknesses and

		they attack.  They take advantage of you.

		They want to hurt you,' the voice hissed.



	'They don't do it on purpose . . .'



		'Oh, don't they?  Rei's always calling

		you names.  Makoto's always laughs at you

		when you do stupid things.  Ami's always

		exasperated when you don't get the

		simplest things.  Minako was against you

		tonight.'



	' . . . '



		'The only way to not get hurt is to not

		let them know what you're feeling.  You

		can't be hurt if you don't care.  They

		can't touch you then.'



	The more Usagi thought about what that vicious

little voice said, the more she believed it.  To feel

no pain is to be indifferent.



	And so it was.



	On that chilly May night, staring up at the

half-moon in the pitch black night, with the icy wind

sending goose bumps all over her body, whipping back

her long blonde hair, and rippling her night gown,

Tsukino Usagi closed her eyes, gripped the windowsill

in her hands, and made a vow.  A vow that would turn

everyone's world upside down.



	In a certain jinja, a 16-year-old girl awoke

with a gasp.  She looked around her confused.

Slowly, she lay down again, uncertain as to what may

have awoken her and frightened that she may find out.



	Not too far away, a man jolted upright in his

bed as his chest tightened to the point where he

couldn't breathe.  His body shaking slightly, his

black bangs clinging to his forehead, he felt regret

wash over his body as well as a premonition of

something worse than what he had ever dreamt,

something that would disrupt life as everyone knew

it, something he didn't wish to describe and couldn't

if he wanted to.



	And at the same time, something inside him

faded and almost completely disappeared.  He didn't

know what it was, but it was barely out of reach.

And now, he felt empty.  He felt hollow.  And it

scared the shit out of him, because he didn't

understand a damn thing.





~ ~ ~  End  ~ ~ ~



Author's Notes:



	Hi, again!  Right off, I'd like to thank

everyone who emailed me.  I was really nervous about

posting this and I just wanted to say: THANX!!!  Big

time.  You guys are awesome.  I hope I don't

disappoint you.  Thank you for taking the time to

email.



	Next, I'm afraid to say: this story is far more

cliché than I thought it would be, more cliché than I

wanted and planned it to be.  And for that I do

apologize.  I think it's still got my own writing

style, but I guess I've just read too many stories

like it and it's in my subconscious now.  I hope this

won't discourage you from reading on.



	My other chapters are actually only half the

length of this one.  I apologize for the length, but

I couldn't find a good place to cut it.



	Another thing is: Usagi is not schizophrenic!

Everyone talks to themselves in their heads once in a

while, to at least weigh out decisions.  At least I

do . . . or am I the only one???  ^_~



	I think that's all I really have to say.

Again, ANYTHING you have to say is welcome!



Take care!



HoNeY

Hnymustd@hotmail.com

1/7/00